Hello, My Name is Bob Zombie.

Did I stain my crappy track suit?

As we all know, there is an impending zombie apocalypse right around the corner and if you don't have a plan, you won't find yourself in the middle of a Hannibal Lecter scene. Mmmm, is that sage butter? So here a few tips to surviving (or prolonging) the massacre.

It is imperative that you get food. I hear brains are good this time of year. Now remember, all you have at your disposal is an insatiable appetite and the ability to run fast, but like a retarded kid. Other than that, you are going to have to re-learn a few things in your newly altered state.

• Go to Wal-Mart.

Everyone knows that there will be a plethora of food there. Just think, there will be distinct group of people after the apocalypse, those that are smart and those that are begging to be food. Anyone with any survival skills will probably already have stashed food in a bunker somewhere in a remote part of the woods. However, a vast majority will be caught completely unaware and will rush straight to the biggest store carrying almost everything you need. Here you should find not only find a nice supply of obese people (probably in the cookie/candy aisle) but based on other natural disasters, there will be a lot of very stupid people looting the electronics section. Note to self, stay away from the sporting goods department. Guns bad.

• Eat people, don't make more zombies.

Obviously zombification is viral based, like HIV and mental retardation. Even with a primitive brain, it should be intuitive that making more and more zombies is a bad idea because it really is just a matter of time until you have more zombies than food.

• Ration food

Sure, at first everything will be like a walking all-you-can-eat buffet, but after ransacking Wal-Mart and supermarkets, you will probably eliminate over 3/4 of the sheeple population. You don't always have to eat 4 humans, when 2 will do. The ones that are easy to catch will be even easier later on. All you need is a bag of Funyuns, a box trap, and some patience.

Now comes the hard part. Getting that hard to reach food. Anyone who has ever spent more than a day or two daydreaming about planning a way to avoid being zombie crumpets, have many details in common. One is to access to a lightly armored amphibious vehicle:


Like this, but with more machine guns and bikini-clad women.

Everyone knows that zombies lack certain motor skills that come natural to babies and shady apartment repairmen. Because of this, swimming and turning door knobs are removed from our already lean arsenal. However, what does work in your favor is that whether on island in a lake or locked in homes, these people will eventually have to come out to refill their supplies of bacon and party supplies and because of this, these people will be the last on the menu (think of them as blood pudding, but with human blood).

Picking off a smattering of random people shouldn't prove to be that difficult. Zombies are like those creepy, older guys hanging around a Jonas Brothers concert in that they have only one thing on their mind and not even jail is enough to deter them. The real problem are those groups of people who were smart enough to hunker down in a building fortified with spotlights and machine guns. The real smart ones will also have a couple of dogs on guard because animals strongly react to the smell of brains and gingivitis. So as a zombie, how can you overcome dogs, machine guns, locked doors and sheer kick-assedness?

• Trick your fellow zombies

You can't always go head long across an open field to get at your victims, er, food. Those people who are prepared have obviously mined the area and have snipers on the roof of these buildings (duh). That being said, there is only one tactic to use, overwhelming numbers. Overwhelming numbers are always better because the can always overcome the amount of ammo people can carry, regardless of what the video game industry may have you believe. To survive this scenario, you have to be to utilize a simple idiom people seem to adhere to, "a crowd attracts a crowd". Simply put, by moaning and running while flailing you arms excitedly, you will incite the rest of the zombie mob to start running, preferable angrily and with determination. All you have to do is point them in the directly of all the defenses of the building. Just wait and let the rest of your fellow brain dead brethren take the brunt of the assault. It'll make the opening sequence of Saving Private Ryan seem like Bambie, but on crack.

Not pictured: Nazi Michael Jackson

• Flank and grab

Think of this as the zombie version of bob and weave. Zombies tend to not think and come up with simple military strategies probably because they are as excited as a 14 year old looking through a Victoria's Secret catalog. While the main group is getting slaughtered, simply flank the building. While all the attention is focused on the main wave, this allows you to go to the side to break down any boarded up windows. From this point, it is probable that some zombies will see your success and try to follow you. This is where you grab whoever you can within reach. DO NOT go inside the building no matter what tempting thing is further inside (apparently, even zombies love The Hills). Let the other zombies run single file into the window because it will likely result in a big boomstick putting a hole in your eyeballs holder (for the record, that is bad). Repeating this tactic will result in stringing the zombies around to several points of entries overwhelming those pesky, unaffected bastards regardless how many flamethrowers they have. Can a brother get some hot sauce?

Mazaltof (Drank). You're about to discover that Mother Nature hates you too.

Congratulations!!! You have eaten all the humans within your immediate vicinity. What's next? Sit back, unloosen your tattered pants holding your in distended, discolored belly and enjoy the countryside view. It won't be long now before the hunger pains drive you so insane you rip out your own innards for lunch. Success never tasted so, well, disgusting.