Ya, this month stupid.Regardless, Septembers are notoriously boring (obviously excluding the one in 2001) with these events being the highlights in years past:
1895-Louis Pasteur chemist, scientist developed pasteurization process, rabies vaccination, anthrax vaccine, worked with cholera, dies from strokes...the kind that leaves you slobbering out the left side of your face, not the band.
1922-NYC law requires all "pool" rooms to change name to "billiards" and changes "gay bath houses" to "pool" rooms (only one of these is true).
1939-WWII starts, Germany invades Poland, takes Danzig-changes deathmetal forever.
1945-Japan signs treaty to end WWII, turns to creepy looking robots and anime to rule the world.
But none of these years hold a candle to how awesome September 2009 was.
1. Wii be wasting your money
We've heard this story a million times. Undercover cops bust in on drug dealers crib with a search warrant to confiscate drugs and money and then take partake in said drugs and money . While you'd suspect dirty cops would sit around getting high and drinking Jay-Z's finest vodka and ordering some poor rookie to do all the work, in this case you wouldn't be completely wrong. In Florida, Polk Country sheriff's officers, within 20 minutes of entering a suspected drug dealers home, started playing video bowling on the dealer's Wii on his flat panel TV. How would anyone know? Apparently drug dealers are like Richard Nixon, they are paranoid someone is going to play with their Wii. Regardless, fifty-six seconds into the video, you can clearly see the biggest, burliest officer do his best Fred Flintstone bowling impersonation that even Liberace would call "gay". At 1:44 into the video, Polk County sheriff's detective is seen jumping up and down with joy as she gets two strikes in a row while stupid newbies actually search the house. All in all, it only took 13 detectives and three sergeants spent nine hours searching the property, for drugs, stolen property and signs of any illegal drug activity which cost the taxpayers more than $4,000. Then again, if you want to see a true gem, just forward to the 2:30 mark to see how MC Hammer got his sweet moves. The officers did manage to confiscate methamphetamine, marijuana, drug paraphernalia, weapons and more than $30,000 in stolen property...and one Wii.
Only in Africa could a story of a human/goat hybrid take place. According to the Zimbabwe Guardian, a goat gave birth to the moat and died shortly thereafter. They even show a picture towards the bottom of article which is labeled "Computer generated image of a faun; a creature in Roman mythology depicting human and goat features" which makes sense because it's easier to call it that than to just openly admit they stole a screen shot from "The Chronicles of Narnia". If the idea of a moat being born and dying shortly after wasn't bizarre enough, the residents of the local village burned the corpse in an attempt to rid the town of a curse of being the birthplace of a mythical creature. However, the local governor, thinking that curses are for morons, knew the reason for the moat when he said that it was a half-man, half-goat hybrid was the result of bestiality: "A grown man was responsible for this." Now if this isn't weird enough, a picture of Ole Moatsy was published in an Aussie Newspaper. One question obviously sticks out while gazing at picture "How can this be the baby picture of Mr. Tumnus!?!". No way is this a mythical creature, as it is obviously the offspring of cross-species love making...between a goat and Sloth, from "Goonies".
"Asking for it, that goat was"
4. "Nordberg!!"
Technically, this story makes February awesome, but the finality of it was in September. If you have ever asked yourself "which frozen embryo goes in her", this story should make you feel not as alone. In February, the Savages, an Ohio couple, fresh from a procedure to implant their frozen embryo into the missus, found themselves uterus-deep in a conversation that had to been one of the most awkward. "Mrs. Savage, I know you and this big lug here have been pretty unsuccessful trying to get pregnant. Well, I have good news and bad news. Congrats, you're pregnant. Unfortunately, it is with the Morell's embryo and the really bad news is, they are from Detroit". The 40-year old Mrs. Savage then decided to do her best impersonation of the Easter Bunny, and carry the egg to term and then give the baby to the Morells anyway, where they promptly sold it into child slavery because "hey, we weren't expecting it, didn't birth it, and we live in Motown, we need the money". It's still hard to decide if this is the most sincere form of altruism or the most disturbing way to get out of sex with Mr. Savage.
5. I'll take a venti latte, with low-fat breast milk
What Washington state needs more than a plague of apple maggots is another goddamn coffee shop that charges $8 for a cup of coffee! So what to do to distinguish your business when you are going to the bank to ask for a loan to open another coffee shop? Now, imagine you are a buxom young lady who loves money and is trying to play out her daddy issues. How are you going to distinguish yourself from all the other pretty women for a job where you get paid a lot for doing very little? Well, this report from Everett, WA, the answer is the "Grab-N-Go Bikini Hut".
Like this, but with less heart and more T and A.
Now the idea of having a coffee stand staffed with bikini-clad baristas isn't a new one. What did distinguish this business and it's staff is that they charged patrons money to take pictures of them...naked and licking whipped cream off each other. These java hos would also let you mildly molest them, for the right amount of money of course. Finally! Coffee that any man would gladly pay $20 for. However, allowing men to grab you for money is apparently considered prostitution and this business was investigated by the local police after receiving 40 complaints, presumably because a few Debbie Downers actually just wanted coffee!?! Unfortunately, those who were hit the hardest were the undercover detectives themselves. These poor bastards had to be the Johns to the Juan Valdez's brothel and video these women doing such acts as getting naked and allowing men to toss wadded up money into the undergarments of these caffeine sirens. Adding to the misery is that it took the detectives TWO MONTHS to wrap up their investigation. Imagine all that crappy coffee and no donuts. Oh, the humanity...the humanity.
6. Bartender, make mine a double.
Some people are so efficient with their time, they'd rather do two things that might take a little longer than the one task just to get it out of the way. The same is true for pregnancy. In this video, what's more shocking than a woman who was impregnated two weeks after initially becoming pregnant, is the interview that follows. "These embryos aren't twins". OH SNAP. You mean if you conceive at different times, the kids aren't genetically identical? Holy crap, thank you Dr. Obvious. Further into the video. we witness Dr. Old Man River interview Dr. Barbie Dull. It's surprising to see two seemingly educated people talk about a dual pregnancy with the knowledge base anyone could attain by going to Web M.D. And what is the most uncanny thing about an obese woman from Arkansas being impregnated twice with 2 weeks? Is it the that only 10 reported cases has ever been documented and is extremely rare? Is it the fact that the father could also be her brother? No. According to Dr. Barbie, it's the fact if born on their respective due dates, one child will be born in December 2009 and the other two weeks later in January 2010. How fun! Sometimes M.D. really just stands for mentally disabled.
