How to be a Facebook Douchebag

It's time for Pester to let people know that enough is enough, so now there will be periodic updates about the top reasons Facebook sucks, how to be a Facebook douchebag, and asshole post of the day(s).

You have been warned

Reason why Facebook sucks (these will not be in any order of magnitude as they all suck)

1. People forget that it's a social website and not a social life.

How to be a D-bag? Constantly update your status telling everybody every little thing that you've done today or whatever has just popped into your mind and diarrhea it out for the world to see. If it isn't something you'd call to tell all your friends about, assume no one gives a shit...just like those people you call.

Great, now go choke on your tongue

2. Using Facebook rather than the thousands of other forms of communication to express romantic feelings towards another.

How to be a D-bag? What's more annoying than seeing some troll-looking couple being cutesy with each other at the Orange Julius stand? It's being cutesy with each other on their Facebook status. At least at the mall you can throw scalding hot corndog batter at the offending couple. When it's posted on Facebook, it's like being visually molested while your parents tongue kiss in front of you. But at least the only thing that prevents people from accosting couples with various deep-fried food is that everyone else has noticed the "cold sores" in all their newly posted pictures from the state fair. Love may not last a lifetime, but herpes certainly does.

3a. Have at least a high school level understanding of the English language.

Sho is good!

Even though status updates can be done by phone, you aren't getting charged per crappy letter so feel free to take the time and use appropriate grammar. Nothing is worse than being thought to be mentally retarded, so no need to prove everyone right by bastardizing the same language your bitchy, underpaid teacher spent so many minutes trying to teach you little maniacs, especially if your Facebook account is a institute of "higher learning". However, if you do make a tiny mistake, you'll get accosted by the next Facebook annoyance:

3b. The Grammar Nazi

I know that "alot" is actually two words and I'm not afraid to be a dick about it!

Ok, so there is a difference between pointing out that someone having an IQ of a dung beetle and being an asshat by looking for every tiny mistake, even if you end up looking like a moron in the process. Don't be that guy who everyone wants to set on fire because you point out every goddamn typo. We get it, it's a pet peeve of yours, but so is not your washing hands after using the bathroom but you don't see anyone chasing you down the hall with a handful of soap though.

4. Groups

Another reason to hope for the zombie apocalypse

It's only human nature for those with similar interests to flock together, but it becomes especially annoying when people join groups on Facebook. Why? Because Facebook is intent on convincing your other friends (I believe Facebook uses the term "sheeple") that they should join too. And what groups are so goddamn important that it litters your newsfeed? I shit you not, but groups like "How Many Tampons Do You Wear at Once?", "saying 'i hate this song' but singing it anyway." and "'What Does IDK Stand For' 'I Don't Know' 'OMG Nobody Knows'" while also being a fan of "Laughing", "Breathing", and "I Really Want to Comment On that, But Know I shouldn't" (which will be addressed at a later date). Facebook offers a huge variety of groups and none of which is even remotely worth even creating. Want to know how many tampons people wear? Text them. Do you really need to express you self-hatred for loving the Backstreet Boys by joining a group? What's even better is you can join a group to express your hatred for Facebook ON Facebook AND become a fan of "Nothing". Thank goodness there isn't a group about sneezing...ah, mother fuckers.

5. Vague status updates.

With a little luck (and crippling low self-esteem), this could be you!

Everyone knows why you are on Facebook all the time. You're either trolling for some trim or you are bored and want to torture all your friends with your boredom. Sometimes just stating you are bored isn't enough because no one would ever reply to that (other than those equally bored Facebook enablers) and heaven forbid you actually get a hobby...or a real life friend. To get people to give you the attention you so desperately think you require, you need mystery. What's more intriguing than a vague status update? Apparently some Facebookers aren't the most clever of people so they confuse mystery with being utterly fucking lame. Person X "needs more..." (actual status update). Wonder what the first reply is? Ta-fucking-da, "more what?" Well, obviously person X is M. Night Shyamalan because the suspense is so thick you need a machete to cut through the bullshit. What to know what person X said they need more of? Brain cells? Creativity? Attention? More asshole friends to reply? Well everyone was in a treat when there was no explanation at all (which is similar to the explanation as to why you paid $15 to watch a M. Night movie) but it was followed up with yet another status update of Person X "Done." Holy shit we can only hope it's in reference to stop being a habitual narcissist (though no one is sure because there was no reply to "Done with what?'). Ta-fucking-da indeed.

On hiatus...

coming back soon.

Why Google is >> than Yahoo!

Anyone who knows anything suspects this "world wide web" phenomenon is just the latest in the long line of fads, much like Spirographs and banana seat bikes.

Fuck style dawg, we ridin' in comfort!

Until the Internet becomes sentient and part of Skynet, we need a way to use it to our advantage. Hence Yahoo! and Google search engines. Even though search engines run on unicorn blood and the tears of baby seals, the are quite useful; but the conundrum is which site to use? Now imagine how hard it is to completely type out your query...if there was only a way the precursor to Skynet, which will usher in our robotic overloards, could predict what you might be searching for midway into typing it. Well, you are in luck! All search engines do that now. With computer ESP in mind, here are the results of using certain phrases or words and why, if you have the mentality of a 6 year old, Google is WAY better than Yahoo!.

Example one is easy. Imagine some poor fellow is being emasculated by his newest girlfriend, Chyna, and he starts his search with "why does my girlfriend..."

In this example, Yahoo!, clearly being the more empathetic search engine, understands how this guy feels by suggesting he is clearly within reason to believe that his girlfriend just isn't in to him. However if he went to Google, he'd figure out that not only is unable to arouse her, but she is probably banging her boss and wants to assault him physically. No, be honest, which of these scenarios do you think is more likely....Ya, she's going to beat his ass while banging his dad. That's hot!

Example two: You constantly dress in black and say stuff like "Nietzsche had it nailed" (as if no one actually knew it was Søren Kierkegaard who is regarded as the father of existentialism...duh!) or wearing a "Corporate Magazines Still Suck" T-shirt (which you can, no shit, now buy online ) and you input your simple question of "Why..."

Being the deep person you pretend to be, it's easy to scoff at Yahoo! Come on, "why is the dollar weak"...more corporate crap. "Why did I get married", that's a tool of religion to keeps us dulled to the struggle of mankind. "Why Easter date is early?"...not you are just being patronizing. Google proposes much more insightful questions like "Why do men have nipples..", seriously, why? Throw in some "why is my poop green " and the truly existential question of "Why did the chicken cross the road" and you have a score of Google 2, Yahoo! zilch.

Example three: You just watched Jackass: The Movie and you have to ask "why would you put..."

Google is up to it's awesome shenanigans with the question "Why would you put ice in a urinal?". It's a legit question and something that might fall into the Jackass category. Yahoo! falls short with "Why would you put your house in a trust"...unless by trust they mean in a pool full of cattle feces, then this is not Jackass worthy, however Yahoo! also rolls out the question "why would you put Vick's in a horse's...". It doesn't matter what the ... is, why would anyone put Vick's VapoRub in a horse at all....result, push.




Example four: You are about to be a guest on the Jerry Springer show and you are afraid you might look like ignorant trash because you didn't know that beast you were sleeping with was either a caring middle aged guy, or your dad, John Phillips, so you go to a search engine to type in "who's your d" and stop because Oprah won't leave you alone about your cocaine use and promiscuous lifestyle.

Yahoo! goes exactly where you think it should with "who's your daddy" and only leaves "who's you DJ" as the real question to ponder. However, this is where Google shows its moxie. The results basically say "Fuck that, we've done that whole 'who's you daddy' thing and frankly it's played out" and then comes back with a question that it thinks you have to consider if you are trying to figure out who your daddy is with "what's my due date". Take that Yahoo! Google just skipped over the question and answered the next logical question. It even asks questions about Internet stuff itself like "what's my domain worth", "what's my dns (server)", and "what's my download speed" as if it is trying to gain self-awareness...maybe you should get used to the phrase "ALL HAIL OUR GOOGLE OVERLORD".

Example five: Everyone has heard of the drinking game "I Never" in which a statement is made and those who have done what is stated is drink. For example, if someone said "I Never...vetoed a bill and in my explanation as to why I cleverly used the first word in every sentence to spell 'Fuck You'" then Arnold Schwarzenegger would have to take a shot. Now imagine being a pro at this type if drinking and free wheeling lifestyle, finding God, and then find yourself in a religious party version of I Never called "I'd Never". In "I'd Never" participants make statements of things they'd never do. And because they are on the path to righteousness, they don't drink anything, because "they'd never". For example, Susan says "I'd never look at pornographic images of a woman making whoopee to another woman". You, in your newly discovered religious virginity, would like to not take a drink, however in your previous party life, girl-on-girl porn was pretty much a Wednesday night, but lucky for you, you can fake it...sort of. But now it is your turn to come up with a question to "I'd Never" and you are afraid to be cast into hell to die a thousands deaths by fire so you turn to your trusty friends, Google and Yahoo!

Praise be to God, Yahoo! has got you back with "I'd never lie to you" and "I'd never miss heaven for the world". It even throws in a "I'd need a savior" for good measure. But Google, it knows you. It gives you the same things as Yahoo! but Google also knows no matter how much you pray, you as still a douche with the result of "I'd never join a club that would have me as a member". You think "it's true, this can't be legit if they will have me be part of their flock". Google knows you need self doubt to either be certain in you belief or that you are actually lying to yourself...and to God. Plus Google knows you'd never eat a beet. Honestly, who would?

Example six: You and your boyfriend are in Las Vegas and looking for some entertainment. He suggests going to a Celion Dion concert because "Cirque du Soleil is just a bunch of fruits in tights" (ya, I'll wait...let that sink in). His problem is that he knows you have always wanted to see Celine Dion, but he doesn't want you to know he doesn't know the lyrics to her hit song "How Can I Live Without You". Who does he turn to...

Ah, good old, faithful Yahoo! Sure it doesn't come back with Celine lyrics, but it knows what he is looking for and has 4 results about lyrics. Google, however, knows what the real deal is though. Sure Yahoo! came back with a weight loss result, but Google knows that sitting at home chronically masturbating to anime while feeding your pie hole extra cheesy enchiladas is the real problem with your relationship, not stupid Celine Dion concerts. It also offers suggestions about how can he get taller, make his hair grow faster, make money, and tells him to stop singing because it really sucks. Google seems to anticipate further problems and also suggest that know the only thing that might save this relationship is having a baby...even if he is the one that carries the baby to term. Right now, Google is inside your head...just like The Cranberries.


Example seven: You are a stalker. No girl has ever really liked you. In fact, all have even called you creepy. To make things even worse, neither of your parents are homozygous recessive for the gay gene...damn you nature! Good news is that as a stalker, "no" is merely a roadblock or at the most a court order. But that won't stop you. There's a new girl at your job. She hasn't yet filed a restraining order and even asked "how's your day". Oh, hellz to the ya! You know that if she ever saw the inner you, she'd want to spend all her life with you...even if it is by force. But who to turn to find out "does my..."

Boom, headshot! Google for the win. It knows not only that you don't have a chance of have a willing girlfriend, but it knows not to anger you so it placates you with results like "crush like me" and "does my crush like me quiz". Google also knows you in your mind, you have broken up and gotten back together 100 times and suggests does my "ex still love me" and "ex want me back". Unbeknowst to you, Google is also fucking with you by suggesting does my "boyfriend love me (quiz)" and "head look big in this", which mistakenly take as Google not knowing your gender or does you head look big in this world because you got a hot girlfriend (instead of it's intention of "does my head look big in this...ass of mine"). Yahoo! not only seems to not know what you want with pathetic attempts of "does my 'dog have worms fleas' and 'cat have worms'".
Your reply? "Fuck you Yahoo!...you think the only thing that will love me is flea and worm infected pets!" when in actuality it has done the electronic equivalent of stuttering and trying to distract the crazy person from answering your query truthfully in hopes of not being the first shot in your killing spree. But Google knows what you want...Google knows.

Worst Cartoon Sidekicks EVER!

Surprisingly, one of the many cartoons who got it right.

For those fortunate enough to actually want to wake up early in the morning and rush out to watch cartoons while eating copious amounts of Cocoa Pebbles because, after you were done, you got to drink leftover "chocolate" milk, this is for you. Nowadays there are hundreds of cartoons ranging from mildy-humorous to just flat out noise that makes you want to yell "It's a goddamn clue Steve. Do you think we are retarded? I hope you die of gonorrhea you dickless wonder." However back in the day, there were good cartoons (most live action rip-offs, er, spin-offs) which were absolutely ruined by some unnecessary "comedic relief" character. Most of these characters had magical powers that mainly resulted in fucking up an evil plot by doing something unmagical like sneezing while sneaking around the hero's secret base or by revealing the protagonist's one weakness to their adversary because everyone knows there isn't a magical spell to prevent the asshat side kick from retardedly screwing everything up. Regardless, of being magical or not, ALL sidekicks had the power to annoy the shit out of you so much that you HAD to hit your brother in the balls to relieve it. Here is a list of cartoon sidekicks (in no real order) that will assuredly incite physical violence and ruin all wonderful childhood memories.

1. The Great Gazoo, "The Flintstones".

As if corny puns using stones in names of things weren't enough, "The Flintstones" would occasionally make an episode, in surprisingly it's last season, about an alien who crashed on earth...in the stone ages and only Fred, Barney, and kids could see him. Much like all the sidekicks on this list, he served no real purpose but to annoy Fred and Barney and screw up every time he tried to help them. The only thing Gazoo got right was accepting a job for promoting Marshmallow Mania Pebbles ...mmm, marshmallow Pebbles.

2. Orbity, "The Jetsons".
Ok, so apparently having a robot maid, nor a talking dog that spoke broken English, weren't enough for the Jetsons family. During the 80's, Orbity was added to the cast of the "The Jetsons" as a way to even out the negative Astro as even he wasn't immune to all the cocaine that was around back then. Orbity was a super smart alien who was always positive and could help out Elroy more than an stupid dog with his normal limbs and stupid lisp and wasn't as bitchy as Rosie. Orbity was just so darned nice, you sort of hoped that George would have punted that little bastard down an elevator shaft, or at least kick him off of the balcony since those homes seemed to elevate miles above the Earth (maybe because African-Americans rule the land and property values plummeted because, honestly, has anyone seen a black guy on "The Jetsons"?). If the creators were smart they'd followed "The Flintstones" formula and put some stone age dinosaur into the future to ruin "The Jetsons" too.

3. Uni, "Dungeons and Dragons".

"Dungeons and Dragons" the cartoon was awesome. Every kid was pretending to be either Hank or Bobby, because Eric was an puss and only had a shield and Presto sucked as a magician. What made this cartoon even better was that Hank, who had a magical bow and arrow, was voiced by Willie Aames and Presto was voiced by Adam Rich, both of who also were on "Eight is Enough " (a show despite being watched by every kid, in retrospect, sucked) and Eric the Cavalier was voiced by THE Donnie Most. Now Bobby the Barbarian was great because all he had was guts and a club, but his downfall was some silly unicorn, Uni, that would follow him and the rest of the group around, snorting, and talk like a baby. Uni was scared shitless of everything in "The Realm" and only seemed to bumble around like a moron in a room full of facts. She served no purpose but to show kids that being a pussy is a fact of life and being annoying enough WON'T actually get you killed, despite the fact that she could teleport once per day.

4. Glomer, "It's Punky Brewster".
Don't act like I was the only one who watched this turd. But honestly, how could it have sucked back then? I mean the real life "Punky Brewster" is about an orphan and her dog Brandon taken in by some old dude Henry and by continually saying "Punky Power" while trying to accomplish anything. The hilarity practically wrote itself! However, creators of "It's Punky Brewster" didn't think it lacked the punch as it added, I shit you not, a leprechaun gopher with retarded powers to the cartoon. Not only could he teleport Punky and her friends anywhere in the world, but he could make you steal money from your mom's purse with his annoyingly hypnotic suggestions such as "Glomer needs drug money". However the kids decided to keep Glomer a secret which was a better kept secret that Punky was named after a real-life tomboy girl that NBC programming head Brandon Tartikoff had a crush on indeed named Punky and still creepily pined after. Punky Power indeed...


5. Snarf, "Thundercats".
Imagine this premise: a lion-like person who possesses a magical sword, a tiger who has mental powers and a bolo whip, a panther who uses nunchucks and drives a tank, a cheetah who is fast and uses a bo staff and two kids who have hoverboards and capsules full of mischief. Call it the Thundercats and let the cash flow in. The only way to drag this awesomeness down is to add a nursemaid to Lion-O, the young prince of the Thundercats, who is overly motherly (I already have a nagging mother, why does there have to be one in my favorite cartoon too?), has a voice more annoying that Mrs. Garrett, and has the vocabulary of a goddamn smurf. Snarf not only is the worry wort of the Thundercats, he is the most useless, and by useless I mean his only power was to communicate with Third Earth animals...animals who DON'T use nunchucks! Not only does this turd say "snarf, snarf" as an sigh, but he went to Snarf College on fucking Planet Snarf! Somehow creators thought so highly of Snarf that they added another character alongside Snarf... his nephew, Snarfer! In yet another lucid decisions, when the Thundercats returned to their newly reformed (not reformed as in wasn't bad and now is good, but reformed as it blew up but then magically reformed into a planet again), the Thundercats main contacts on Thundera were Snarf Oswald and Snarf Eggbert. So, to summarize, the creators left Snarf and Snarfer on Third Earth and PURPOSELY made two new snarfs when the series shifted to another planet. What a bunch of assholes...

6. Gleek, "The All New Super Friends Hour".
"Super Friends" was the first cartoon with superheroes, such as Superman, Batman, Wonder Woman, and Aquaman battling a group of villians comprised of Lex Luther, Bizzaro Superman and Solomon Grundy hellbent on taking over the world. Added to the traditional DC superheroes are the multicultural Hanna-Barbara characters such as Black Vulcan, Apache Chief, Samurai and El Dorado. But for every ounce of awesomeness, there is a quart of suck. The Wonder Twins and Gleek are that. Sure Jayna could turn into an animal and sadly Zan could only form water based things, such as a puddle, but Gleek's superhero power? The ability to get a bucket to carry Zan. Whoopie! Not only that, he couldn't even tell the Super Friends that Hall of Justice as being infiltrated by people of the Legion of Doom because he couldn't talk; all Gleek could do was make annoying monkey noises and play charades...and he was shitty at it. Gleek was such a crappy sidekick, he made Wendy, Marvin and Wonderdog look useful.


7. Orko, "He-Man and the Masters of the Universe"

You want to know what makes a shitty sidekick? If there is ever an episode that revolves around the sidekick wondering if he is worthless and during that episode it is revealed that in by not fucking everything up, such as revealing He-Man's true identity, that he has worth, then you are a shitty sidekick. Let me repeat that: In managing not to screw up everything he does, he manages to show his worth. That's like saying you are employee of the week because you refrained from drinking on the job and making photocopies of your ass all day long. Orko is yet another sidekick that wasn't part of the He-Man toy line nor part of the He-Man comic books. His only talent is screwing up everytime he tries magic, a hat that stores various things, and knowing He-Man is really Prince Adam, who looks exactly like He-Man, and the inability of restraint to tell even Skeletor who He-Man is. By the power of Greyskull, Orko sucks!!!!

8. Slimer, "The Real Ghostbusters".

The last few examples of how to ruin a good premise for a cartoon and, in turn, insulting the comedic understandings of children worldwide, take movies and TV shows and adds the sidekick twist regardless if they make sense or not. In "The Real Ghostbusters" the idea is relatively simple: Take badly drawn version of the Ghostbusters and put them in weekly adventures of, well, busting ghosts. Seems simple and relatively endless. But apparently without Bill Murray and Dan Akyroyd, how can cartoon writers make this as funny as its movie counterpart? Add Slimer, the ghost that was caught in the original Ghostbusters movie. But how to make it over-the-top funny? Run the same gag as done in the movie: Slimer flys around sliming people....hardy, har-har. Slimer even tries to talk which is a combination of noises Gleek would make and the old man who has congestion problems. The only hilarity from this is the neurotic need to clear your throat out of necessity from all the snot sounds produced from Slimer. "But surely the focus of the show is the Ghostbusters and Slimer is just a background character" you might exclaim. Well, in an effort to draw more viewers, "The Real Ghostbusters" was renamed "Slimer! And the Real Ghostbusters" because they made several episodes that centered around only Slimer and his crazy misadventures. Screw you ABC!

9. Godzooky, "The Godzilla Power Hour".

If it's not obvious by now, the TV executives in charge of Saturday morning cartoons hated you. It may not have be obvious to our underdeveloped brains when we were kids, but after this list I am becoming more convinced by it. Take "The Godzilla Power Hour". You have Godzilla, who is comical in his own right, and all he does is battle other creatures to SAVE the humans. There is even a cast of inept people who do nothing but cry for Godzilla to save them after their own feeble attempt to thwart a giant moth from destroying the world. Cartoon GOLD if you ask me. But then you add Godzooky, the nephew of Godzilla (presumably because Godzilla's son would raise to many questions about who Mrs. Godzilla is and where Godzooky's inherited his pussy gene) who could fly using a small flap of skin under his arms and could only produce a puff of smoke when trying to breath fire. He was best friends with Pete, a kid who was a nephew of a member of the scientific team aboard their research vessel. Godzooky wasn't completely annoying, but he was completely unnecessary because if the 80's taught us anything, it was that it is ok, and maybe even cool, to be a complete coward and buckle under the pressures of the world. And we have Godzooky to thank for that.

10a. Mr. Cool, "Fonz and the Happy Days Gang".

10b. Doyng and Sgt. Squeal, "The Mork and Mindy/Laverne and Shirley/Fonz Hour"




There is one obvious conclusion about the live action counterparts of the cartoons that one can draw. Happy Days and their spinoffs, Laverne and Shirley and Mork and Mindy, had a pretty flimsy,mundane premise that even the cartoons try hard to overcome. And in the 80's there is only one sure-fire way to spice up a cartoon....unnecessary sidekicks. Come on, admit it. You could never get enough of Fonzi saying "Aaaaaahhh". The only way to make it better is by making a talking dog, call him Mr. Cool, and have him also use the Fonz's catch phrase...over and over again. At least Laverne and Shirley changed from being broads who work in a beer factory to broads in the army, but on the funny scale, it falls WAY below "what you talkin bout Willis". Well thank God for the addition of Sgt. Squeal, the talking pig who outranks both Laverne and Shirley and has more wits than Squiggy and Lenny. Furthermore, have you ever wondered how Mork could feel more like an alien other than just acting like a freak, freezing time and saying "Shazbot" or "Na-Nu Na-Nu"? How making a prequel cartoon in which Mork stalks a teenage Mindy and adding a zany Orkean dog, Doyng, as Mork's sidekick. To be fair, the disasters of these cartoons weren't due to the sidekicks, they are just a the product of a mass produced cartoon formula meant to be the visual tits they wanted us kids to suckle from.

Dishonorable mention: All the Planeteers on "Captain Planet and the Planeteers", Too-Much, "Chuck Norris Karate Kommandos", Einstein, "Back to the Future: The Animated Series", Spike, "Mr. T", Deputy Fuzz, "Bravestarr", Kowl, "She-Ra: Princess of Power", Twink, "Rainbow Brite", Bumper, "Gilligan's Planet", and Nikko "The New Kids on the Block Animated Series".

Why This September Was The Best Month EVER!

Ya, this month stupid.

Historically, September is marked by the only holiday that celebrates working by taking the day off. But let's be honest, Labor Day needs to get a shtick. There is no Labor Day flag, no presents, nothing to distinguish it more than a paid sick day. Maybe it can borrow traditions from other holidays like hiding and seeking employee tags made of chocolate, giving each other gifts stolen from work, or how about hanging a paper mache effigy of your boss that you can beat the crap out of that is filled with nickles and rubber bands.

Regardless, Septembers are notoriously boring (obviously excluding the one in 2001) with these events being the highlights in years past:
1895-Louis Pasteur chemist, scientist developed pasteurization process, rabies vaccination, anthrax vaccine, worked with cholera, dies from strokes...the kind that leaves you slobbering out the left side of your face, not the band.
1922-NYC law requires all "pool" rooms to change name to "billiards" and changes "gay bath houses" to "pool" rooms (only one of these is true).
1939-WWII starts, Germany invades Poland, takes Danzig-changes deathmetal forever.
1945-Japan signs treaty to end WWII, turns to creepy looking robots and anime to rule the world.

But none of these years hold a candle to how awesome September 2009 was.

1. Wii be wasting your money

We've heard this story a million times. Undercover cops bust in on drug dealers crib with a search warrant to confiscate drugs and money and then take partake in said drugs and money . While you'd suspect dirty cops would sit around getting high and drinking Jay-Z's finest vodka and ordering some poor rookie to do all the work, in this case you wouldn't be completely wrong. In Florida, Polk Country sheriff's officers, within 20 minutes of entering a suspected drug dealers home, started playing video bowling on the dealer's Wii on his flat panel TV. How would anyone know? Apparently drug dealers are like Richard Nixon, they are paranoid someone is going to play with their Wii. Regardless, fifty-six seconds into the video, you can clearly see the biggest, burliest officer do his best Fred Flintstone bowling impersonation that even Liberace would call "gay". At 1:44 into the video, Polk County sheriff's detective is seen jumping up and down with joy as she gets two strikes in a row while stupid newbies actually search the house. All in all, it only took 13 detectives and three sergeants spent nine hours searching the property, for drugs, stolen property and signs of any illegal drug activity which cost the taxpayers more than $4,000. Then again, if you want to see a true gem, just forward to the 2:30 mark to see how MC Hammer got his sweet moves. The officers did manage to confiscate methamphetamine, marijuana, drug paraphernalia, weapons and more than $30,000 in stolen property...and one Wii.

2. Your Cavalier Attitude STINKS!

Sometimes animals are spiteful little things. They know we domesticated them years ago and some are pissed about it. But what to do? Surely an animal uprising like in Animal Farm is out of the question. Maybe there is a way to just embarrass their human overlords....With this in mind, one horse had had enough of the performing. UVA was hosting TCU in their second game of the college football season. What made this game awesome wasn't football, it was in the pregame activities. Shown here, the pregame ritual of the Cavalier, UVA's mascot, comes trotting out on the field, much to the joy of the fans. As Grandaddy Cavalier comes flying out on his trust steed, Commissar A-Hole, he waves his plastic sword in the air and soaks in the adulation of the packed stadium. That's when der Commissar decides to play a game of "how long can you hang onto a bucking horse?". The answer: One second. What makes this better is the Commissar A-Hole doesn't even allow Grandaddy to gather his dignity as he pulls away each time the old Cavalier tries to mount him leaving Grandaddy standing there looking humiliated, unable to mount a horse, while wearing tights. Moral of the story, if you want people to watch your crappy 0-3 football team, start out animal outwitting your mascot.

3. I'm Moat. Half man, half goat.

Only in Africa could a story of a human/goat hybrid take place. According to the Zimbabwe Guardian, a goat gave birth to the moat and died shortly thereafter. They even show a picture towards the bottom of article which is labeled "Computer generated image of a faun; a creature in Roman mythology depicting human and goat features" which makes sense because it's easier to call it that than to just openly admit they stole a screen shot from "The Chronicles of Narnia". If the idea of a moat being born and dying shortly after wasn't bizarre enough, the residents of the local village burned the corpse in an attempt to rid the town of a curse of being the birthplace of a mythical creature. However, the local governor, thinking that curses are for morons, knew the reason for the moat when he said that it was a half-man, half-goat hybrid was the result of bestiality: "A grown man was responsible for this." Now if this isn't weird enough, a picture of Ole Moatsy was published in an Aussie Newspaper. One question obviously sticks out while gazing at picture "How can this be the baby picture of Mr. Tumnus!?!". No way is this a mythical creature, as it is obviously the offspring of cross-species love making...between a goat and Sloth, from "Goonies".

"Asking for it, that goat was"

4. "Nordberg!!"

Technically, this story makes February awesome, but the finality of it was in September. If you have ever asked yourself "which frozen embryo goes in her", this story should make you feel not as alone. In February, the Savages, an Ohio couple, fresh from a procedure to implant their frozen embryo into the missus, found themselves uterus-deep in a conversation that had to been one of the most awkward. "Mrs. Savage, I know you and this big lug here have been pretty unsuccessful trying to get pregnant. Well, I have good news and bad news. Congrats, you're pregnant. Unfortunately, it is with the Morell's embryo and the really bad news is, they are from Detroit". The 40-year old Mrs. Savage then decided to do her best impersonation of the Easter Bunny, and carry the egg to term and then give the baby to the Morells anyway, where they promptly sold it into child slavery because "hey, we weren't expecting it, didn't birth it, and we live in Motown, we need the money". It's still hard to decide if this is the most sincere form of altruism or the most disturbing way to get out of sex with Mr. Savage.

5. I'll take a venti latte, with low-fat breast milk

What Washington state needs more than a plague of apple maggots is another goddamn coffee shop that charges $8 for a cup of coffee! So what to do to distinguish your business when you are going to the bank to ask for a loan to open another coffee shop? Now, imagine you are a buxom young lady who loves money and is trying to play out her daddy issues. How are you going to distinguish yourself from all the other pretty women for a job where you get paid a lot for doing very little? Well, this report from Everett, WA, the answer is the "Grab-N-Go Bikini Hut".

Like this, but with less heart and more T and A.

Now the idea of having a coffee stand staffed with bikini-clad baristas isn't a new one. What did distinguish this business and it's staff is that they charged patrons money to take pictures of them...naked and licking whipped cream off each other. These java hos would also let you mildly molest them, for the right amount of money of course. Finally! Coffee that any man would gladly pay $20 for. However, allowing men to grab you for money is apparently considered prostitution and this business was investigated by the local police after receiving 40 complaints, presumably because a few Debbie Downers actually just wanted coffee!?! Unfortunately, those who were hit the hardest were the undercover detectives themselves. These poor bastards had to be the Johns to the Juan Valdez's brothel and video these women doing such acts as getting naked and allowing men to toss wadded up money into the undergarments of these caffeine sirens. Adding to the misery is that it took the detectives TWO MONTHS to wrap up their investigation. Imagine all that crappy coffee and no donuts. Oh, the humanity...the humanity.

6. Bartender, make mine a double.

Some people are so efficient with their time, they'd rather do two things that might take a little longer than the one task just to get it out of the way. The same is true for pregnancy. In this video, what's more shocking than a woman who was impregnated two weeks after initially becoming pregnant, is the interview that follows. "These embryos aren't twins". OH SNAP. You mean if you conceive at different times, the kids aren't genetically identical? Holy crap, thank you Dr. Obvious. Further into the video. we witness Dr. Old Man River interview Dr. Barbie Dull. It's surprising to see two seemingly educated people talk about a dual pregnancy with the knowledge base anyone could attain by going to Web M.D. And what is the most uncanny thing about an obese woman from Arkansas being impregnated twice with 2 weeks? Is it the that only 10 reported cases has ever been documented and is extremely rare? Is it the fact that the father could also be her brother? No. According to Dr. Barbie, it's the fact if born on their respective due dates, one child will be born in December 2009 and the other two weeks later in January 2010. How fun! Sometimes M.D. really just stands for mentally disabled.

Ten internet memes even your momma should know

Not pictured: God's disapproval

Let's be real, some of you all are posers. Not even the kind that can fake it very well. You know how to surf for porn, but, honestly, who can't. But do you truly understand the "world wide web"? How can you even reference an idea steeped in pop culture without having to explain it to everyone? Ever heard of a meme? No? Ha! Poser.

In case you missed it, everyone is in the mist of the formation of a new internet meme. Now in case you missed it at the MTV Video Music Awards (the truest definition of an oxymoron), Kanye West's newest ego, Doileyhead Crazy Horse, decided to tell everyone who would listen how his opinion is awesome and reinforcing the idea that the only thing that scares a frail, white woman who sings country music is a drunk, black man charging after her taking what's in her hand. Now this sensation has spawned one of the newest internet memes. So this seems to be the perfect time to introduce (or reintroduce) you interweb newbies the electronic hilarity every other virgin is in on.

1. 300

This is madness. This is blasphemy! THIS IS THE MEN'S ROOM!

Ok, so using a movie as a meme is sort of an easy formula. Blood, guts, malformed chicks with boobs, and abs that make women and gay guys care about a movie featuring blood, guts, and boobs. What puts it over the top is great quotes such as "THIS IS SPARTA!" and "Tonight we dine in Hell". It is only as good as all the photoshopped pictures involving King Leonidas and the movie quotes. As of now, it looks as if the Kanye meme will follow the 300 template.

2. It's A Trap

Of all the lines to come from this Trilogy, I would have put money on "Why, you stuck up, half-witted, scruffy-looking Nerf Herder." or " They shut down the main reactor. We'll be destroyed for sure. This is madness." (to which now you would reply, "THIS IS THE EMPIRE"). However, you'd be wrong. Typically this is found in social websites like Reddit and Digg where it usually is a comment about things involving, well, a trap.

3. Three wolves and a moon

A must for all Duran Duran fans

This is a typical story of many unimaginative Midwesterns whose hobbies are making jewlery out of rhinestones, collecting dream catchers, and daydreaming about being animals. But how can you cash in on this? By putting it on a shirt and selling it on Amazon.com of course (it's one of the top selling apparell item on Amazon in 2009)! I hear wearing this shirt can do many things, such as making hot dogs taste like filet mignon, cure jock itch, and grant you the ability to communicate with badgers through telepathy! It's probably a good thing that continued existence of the internet is fueled by cheese.

4. PedoBear

The unofficial mascot of NAMBLA.

The origins of this meme is as elusive the popularity of the Jonas Brothers. By all accounts, it appears to have started on 4chan, an imageboard website where people were have said to link the pedobear image (thought to come from an anime that has a "child friendly" bear) to pedophilic images posted by other anonymous posters. And much like the video of Lady Gaga's penis "joke", it spread like wild-fire. It even spawned it's own clothing line. Because nothing threads the needle of hilarity more than looking like a guy who is proud of an internet meme or someone who says "screw it, I like children and I'm tired of hiding it" than wearing a PedoBear shirt...or a Roman collar.

5. Rickroll

Holy crap!!! Can you believe what she said!!! Crazy, you just got Rickrolled. Be honest, you listened to the whole thing didn't you? It was such an internet sensation of tricking people, that the fans of the New York Mets decided to Rickroll the organization when they put up an online poll on what the new seventh inning stretch song should be. Probably the only time fans of the Mets had a good time since 1986.

6. Keyboard cat

Is not the same as being Rickrolled. It's more of a modern day way to take to hook and pull someone off stage after a gaffe. Anyone who has been to a Woot-off! has probably seen it. The cat's name is Fatso and this clip is so popular, it even spawned it's own website! And in case you are keeping score: the keyboard cat>>than anything you have ever done....EVER!

7. Leeroy Jenkins

"As old as the internet" as some would call this, but it's still surprising people don't know about ol' LEEEEEROOOOOY JENKINS! It combines the computer game, World of Warcraft, that the basement dweller, chronic-masturbating nerds love so much with the assholeness of most gamers. Why is it hilarious? To quote Sun Tzu, "The general who wins the battle makes many calculations in his temple before the battle is fought. The general who loses has some asshat rush in and fucks it all up"...or something like that.

8. Nannerpuss

Another in a long line of great ideas from the makers of Moons over My Hammy. Except for the fact that the nannerpuss is infinitely cooler than a free Grand Slam breakfast. The only thing stopping nannerpuss from becoming our Breakfast Overlord is, of course, bacon. Oh, and FYI, while your grandmother was making commercials, my grandmother was making me the mother fuckin NANNERPUSS!

9. O RLY?

Not pictured: That turd with the lightning bolt scar.

We all know now that sarcasm does not translate well to the written form of English. Nor is there better ways of calling BS to some who is either stating the obvious or outright lying on internet posts (isn't that right you illiterate dipshit?). Well those sociopaths at 4chan one day were trying to figure out the word filter replacement and discovered repost=owl. Soon, a snow owl image from wildlife photographer John White was photoshopped with the saying "O RLY?" as a show of sarcasm, presumably because even in 2001, people where already bored with using LOL, JK, and that stupid winky face.

10. You're with me, leather

"He..could..go..all...the...way"...into your pants

Sure, I could have went with more popular ones such as "more cowbell", "the cake is a lie", anything with having to do with Chuck Norris, or "all your bases are belong to us". However, none of these really embody the douchiness that is Chris Berman. The story goes (as reported to Deadspin) that a gentleman was hitting on a good looking woman in a bar wearing leather pants (apparently, she just got done dancing in a Winger video) and a leather jacket draped over the back of her chair. Things were supposedly going well until Berman, who was in town covering spring training, walked up to the woman and said "You with me, leather". The woman, recognizing the ESPN personality, immediately grabbed her jacket and left with him to presumably get him drunk and steal his kidney because honestly, look at him; NutraSystem doesn't make you younger or more attractive. While you would think this would make anyone sound cool (except for any chick who would service a guy who sometimes wear a turbin along with wearing out terrible catch phrases and nicknames), but apparently he and ESPN are a bit defensive about it. Now the term is more about self absorbed people doing self absorbed things, regardless of how many kidneys they have. Certainly some will be glad for when he finally goes back, back, back, back, GONE!...from TV.

Hello, My Name is Bob Zombie.

Did I stain my crappy track suit?

As we all know, there is an impending zombie apocalypse right around the corner and if you don't have a plan, you won't find yourself in the middle of a Hannibal Lecter scene. Mmmm, is that sage butter? So here a few tips to surviving (or prolonging) the massacre.

It is imperative that you get food. I hear brains are good this time of year. Now remember, all you have at your disposal is an insatiable appetite and the ability to run fast, but like a retarded kid. Other than that, you are going to have to re-learn a few things in your newly altered state.

• Go to Wal-Mart.

Everyone knows that there will be a plethora of food there. Just think, there will be distinct group of people after the apocalypse, those that are smart and those that are begging to be food. Anyone with any survival skills will probably already have stashed food in a bunker somewhere in a remote part of the woods. However, a vast majority will be caught completely unaware and will rush straight to the biggest store carrying almost everything you need. Here you should find not only find a nice supply of obese people (probably in the cookie/candy aisle) but based on other natural disasters, there will be a lot of very stupid people looting the electronics section. Note to self, stay away from the sporting goods department. Guns bad.

• Eat people, don't make more zombies.

Obviously zombification is viral based, like HIV and mental retardation. Even with a primitive brain, it should be intuitive that making more and more zombies is a bad idea because it really is just a matter of time until you have more zombies than food.

• Ration food

Sure, at first everything will be like a walking all-you-can-eat buffet, but after ransacking Wal-Mart and supermarkets, you will probably eliminate over 3/4 of the sheeple population. You don't always have to eat 4 humans, when 2 will do. The ones that are easy to catch will be even easier later on. All you need is a bag of Funyuns, a box trap, and some patience.

Now comes the hard part. Getting that hard to reach food. Anyone who has ever spent more than a day or two daydreaming about planning a way to avoid being zombie crumpets, have many details in common. One is to access to a lightly armored amphibious vehicle:


Like this, but with more machine guns and bikini-clad women.

Everyone knows that zombies lack certain motor skills that come natural to babies and shady apartment repairmen. Because of this, swimming and turning door knobs are removed from our already lean arsenal. However, what does work in your favor is that whether on island in a lake or locked in homes, these people will eventually have to come out to refill their supplies of bacon and party supplies and because of this, these people will be the last on the menu (think of them as blood pudding, but with human blood).

Picking off a smattering of random people shouldn't prove to be that difficult. Zombies are like those creepy, older guys hanging around a Jonas Brothers concert in that they have only one thing on their mind and not even jail is enough to deter them. The real problem are those groups of people who were smart enough to hunker down in a building fortified with spotlights and machine guns. The real smart ones will also have a couple of dogs on guard because animals strongly react to the smell of brains and gingivitis. So as a zombie, how can you overcome dogs, machine guns, locked doors and sheer kick-assedness?

• Trick your fellow zombies

You can't always go head long across an open field to get at your victims, er, food. Those people who are prepared have obviously mined the area and have snipers on the roof of these buildings (duh). That being said, there is only one tactic to use, overwhelming numbers. Overwhelming numbers are always better because the can always overcome the amount of ammo people can carry, regardless of what the video game industry may have you believe. To survive this scenario, you have to be to utilize a simple idiom people seem to adhere to, "a crowd attracts a crowd". Simply put, by moaning and running while flailing you arms excitedly, you will incite the rest of the zombie mob to start running, preferable angrily and with determination. All you have to do is point them in the directly of all the defenses of the building. Just wait and let the rest of your fellow brain dead brethren take the brunt of the assault. It'll make the opening sequence of Saving Private Ryan seem like Bambie, but on crack.

Not pictured: Nazi Michael Jackson

• Flank and grab

Think of this as the zombie version of bob and weave. Zombies tend to not think and come up with simple military strategies probably because they are as excited as a 14 year old looking through a Victoria's Secret catalog. While the main group is getting slaughtered, simply flank the building. While all the attention is focused on the main wave, this allows you to go to the side to break down any boarded up windows. From this point, it is probable that some zombies will see your success and try to follow you. This is where you grab whoever you can within reach. DO NOT go inside the building no matter what tempting thing is further inside (apparently, even zombies love The Hills). Let the other zombies run single file into the window because it will likely result in a big boomstick putting a hole in your eyeballs holder (for the record, that is bad). Repeating this tactic will result in stringing the zombies around to several points of entries overwhelming those pesky, unaffected bastards regardless how many flamethrowers they have. Can a brother get some hot sauce?

Mazaltof (Drank). You're about to discover that Mother Nature hates you too.

Congratulations!!! You have eaten all the humans within your immediate vicinity. What's next? Sit back, unloosen your tattered pants holding your in distended, discolored belly and enjoy the countryside view. It won't be long now before the hunger pains drive you so insane you rip out your own innards for lunch. Success never tasted so, well, disgusting.