You have been warned
Reason why Facebook sucks (these will not be in any order of magnitude as they all suck)
1. People forget that it's a social website and not a social life.
How to be a D-bag? Constantly update your status telling everybody every little thing that you've done today or whatever has just popped into your mind and diarrhea it out for the world to see. If it isn't something you'd call to tell all your friends about, assume no one gives a shit...just like those people you call.
2. Using Facebook rather than the thousands of other forms of communication to express romantic feelings towards another.
How to be a D-bag? What's more annoying than seeing some troll-looking couple being cutesy with each other at the Orange Julius stand? It's being cutesy with each other on their Facebook status. At least at the mall you can throw scalding hot corndog batter at the offending couple. When it's posted on Facebook, it's like being visually molested while your parents tongue kiss in front of you. But at least the only thing that prevents people from accosting couples with various deep-fried food is that everyone else has noticed the "cold sores" in all their newly posted pictures from the state fair. Love may not last a lifetime, but herpes certainly does.
3a. Have at least a high school level understanding of the English language.
Sho is good!
Even though status updates can be done by phone, you aren't getting charged per crappy letter so feel free to take the time and use appropriate grammar. Nothing is worse than being thought to be mentally retarded, so no need to prove everyone right by bastardizing the same language your bitchy, underpaid teacher spent so many minutes trying to teach you little maniacs, especially if your Facebook account is a institute of "higher learning". However, if you do make a tiny mistake, you'll get accosted by the next Facebook annoyance:
3b. The Grammar Nazi
Ok, so there is a difference between pointing out that someone having an IQ of a dung beetle and being an asshat by looking for every tiny mistake, even if you end up looking like a moron in the process. Don't be that guy who everyone wants to set on fire because you point out every goddamn typo. We get it, it's a pet peeve of yours, but so is not your washing hands after using the bathroom but you don't see anyone chasing you down the hall with a handful of soap though.
1. People forget that it's a social website and not a social life.
How to be a D-bag? Constantly update your status telling everybody every little thing that you've done today or whatever has just popped into your mind and diarrhea it out for the world to see. If it isn't something you'd call to tell all your friends about, assume no one gives a shit...just like those people you call.
Great, now go choke on your tongue
2. Using Facebook rather than the thousands of other forms of communication to express romantic feelings towards another.
How to be a D-bag? What's more annoying than seeing some troll-looking couple being cutesy with each other at the Orange Julius stand? It's being cutesy with each other on their Facebook status. At least at the mall you can throw scalding hot corndog batter at the offending couple. When it's posted on Facebook, it's like being visually molested while your parents tongue kiss in front of you. But at least the only thing that prevents people from accosting couples with various deep-fried food is that everyone else has noticed the "cold sores" in all their newly posted pictures from the state fair. Love may not last a lifetime, but herpes certainly does.
3a. Have at least a high school level understanding of the English language.
Sho is good!
Even though status updates can be done by phone, you aren't getting charged per crappy letter so feel free to take the time and use appropriate grammar. Nothing is worse than being thought to be mentally retarded, so no need to prove everyone right by bastardizing the same language your bitchy, underpaid teacher spent so many minutes trying to teach you little maniacs, especially if your Facebook account is a institute of "higher learning". However, if you do make a tiny mistake, you'll get accosted by the next Facebook annoyance:
3b. The Grammar Nazi
I know that "alot" is actually two words and I'm not afraid to be a dick about it!
Ok, so there is a difference between pointing out that someone having an IQ of a dung beetle and being an asshat by looking for every tiny mistake, even if you end up looking like a moron in the process. Don't be that guy who everyone wants to set on fire because you point out every goddamn typo. We get it, it's a pet peeve of yours, but so is not your washing hands after using the bathroom but you don't see anyone chasing you down the hall with a handful of soap though.
4. Groups
Another reason to hope for the zombie apocalypse
It's only human nature for those with similar interests to flock together, but it becomes especially annoying when people join groups on Facebook. Why? Because Facebook is intent on convincing your other friends (I believe Facebook uses the term "sheeple") that they should join too. And what groups are so goddamn important that it litters your newsfeed? I shit you not, but groups like "How Many Tampons Do You Wear at Once?", "saying 'i hate this song' but singing it anyway." and "'What Does IDK Stand For' 'I Don't Know' 'OMG Nobody Knows'" while also being a fan of "Laughing", "Breathing", and "I Really Want to Comment On that, But Know I shouldn't" (which will be addressed at a later date). Facebook offers a huge variety of groups and none of which is even remotely worth even creating. Want to know how many tampons people wear? Text them. Do you really need to express you self-hatred for loving the Backstreet Boys by joining a group? What's even better is you can join a group to express your hatred for Facebook ON Facebook AND become a fan of "Nothing". Thank goodness there isn't a group about sneezing...ah, mother fuckers.
5. Vague status updates.
With a little luck (and crippling low self-esteem), this could be you!
Everyone knows why you are on Facebook all the time. You're either trolling for some trim or you are bored and want to torture all your friends with your boredom. Sometimes just stating you are bored isn't enough because no one would ever reply to that (other than those equally bored Facebook enablers) and heaven forbid you actually get a hobby...or a real life friend. To get people to give you the attention you so desperately think you require, you need mystery. What's more intriguing than a vague status update? Apparently some Facebookers aren't the most clever of people so they confuse mystery with being utterly fucking lame. Person X "needs more..." (actual status update). Wonder what the first reply is? Ta-fucking-da, "more what?" Well, obviously person X is M. Night Shyamalan because the suspense is so thick you need a machete to cut through the bullshit. What to know what person X said they need more of? Brain cells? Creativity? Attention? More asshole friends to reply? Well everyone was in a treat when there was no explanation at all (which is similar to the explanation as to why you paid $15 to watch a M. Night movie) but it was followed up with yet another status update of Person X "Done." Holy shit we can only hope it's in reference to stop being a habitual narcissist (though no one is sure because there was no reply to "Done with what?'). Ta-fucking-da indeed.
